Thinking out loud in my head

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now that I can't sort them out.

• I am thrilled not to have to go to work in what was a death-dealing environment..


• I am depressed at not having a job and not knowing what to do next - and how I'm going to manage.


• I am so sad at not being able to work with some extraordinarily wonderful people. I am missing the "network"of like minds that supported each other in that aforementioned environment.

So much for "I" - what about the "Thou"? God is good and he closes doors and opens windows - or other doors. I believe that, but living it out is most difficult. This is certainly a time to get my head and heart straight. I'll certainly have more time for prayer - will I use it?


I have been besieged with a procrastination issue for almost all of my adult life. I do think that it is part of the "one-ness" of my Enneagram status- I hesitate to start something that I can't do perfectly.


But God sanctifies my imperfection and graces me with blessings galore. This loving God takes me as I am and loves me anyway. I guess I should attempt no less. Sigue adelante! Full steam ahead with God and friends beside and in front of me and behind me.

A New Dawn or the End of My World

I seem to keep getting "stuck" in my life.

I have been struggling with my job, my ministry, for more than a year. Just the week before last, after a particularly trying exchange, I went into the chapel, sat quietly in front of the Tabernacle and then just screamed out, in my mind, but it was a SCREAM, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

As luck (?) would have it, the good and gracious God heard my prayer, and I was let go from my job along with 18 others.

It truly was like getting hit by a truck, and my stomach has yet to come around to doing what it should do in normal situations.

So, what does this mean for me? I have been in a work situation since February of 2006 that has caused me to doubt myself, my gifts, my vocation, my mission. At my advanced age, this has been destructive, and it feels like returning to adolescence where my identity was not yet fully created. Now, the identity I've cultivated over the years of adulthood and the fringe years of seniorhood, is being challenged.

Good friends are praying for me and supporting me - yet, they have their own lives, and I know that that is where they must place their energies. Yet, I am so grateful for those friendships and networks; for people who are willing to go out of their way and change their lives, if need be, to accommodate me for a brief period of time if homelessness becomes a reality.

So, before I head out for a walking prayer, I pause to consider the gift of friendship, that agape that mirrors the unconditional love God has for all of us.

Looking for a Home

I spent the weekend looking for a temporary apartment and a permanent home. I have been living in the area for almost a year with family. Their generosity has been amazing, but now that I have moved all my possessions here, it is time to move on. I sold a lovely home but find prices here are greatly inflated, or, at least, well-overpriced. Therefore, I have few hopes that I will ever be a homeowner again. It's difficult to deal with as I am someone who values her independence, yet, this year has been a continual experience of depending on others for just about everything. Humbling, for sure. I always expect too much, I know: "The birds of the air have nests and the foxes of dens but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." I have so much - why do I always seek more? The human condition urges us towards self-fulfillment; the gospel urges us to love.

This weekend, a friend came to help me look for an apartment and to get me organized to find a house, condo, something. Her offer to come came in the midst of her own hectic work schedule, but she never considered that. She is able to be objective when I am picky; able to be challenging when I am whiny; able to be positive when I am depressed. I have found we've seemed to match each other's moods over the years so that we can meet the needs of the other. The gift of friendship is "sacramental" in that it is surely a sign of God's unconditional love for us.

Beginning Thoughts

The fact that I woke up at 1:30 a.m. two nights ago, tried everything to get back to sleep, and, failing all else, took out the computer, searched "free blogs", and set up this blog in an attempt to empty my mind of what was keeping me awake was not, perhaps, the best motivation for starting an online diary! But it worked, (sort of like Dumbleore's "pensive" or the mystics' mantras) and I fell asleep.

Getting back to this on another early morning probably means that I am doomed to be a night-time blogger! As fuzzy as my thoughts are during the day, they will probably be even less clear at night.

My first attempt at blogging was the July of 2005 when I took a number of young adult pilgrims to World Youth Day in Cologne, Germany. We blogged as a way to keep friends and family at home up-to-date on our experiences with BXVI and hundreds of thousands of other WYD pilgrims. I enjoyed it, but never thought of setting up my own blog - it seemed, and still does to some extent, to be a rather self-centered enterprise: Why would anyone want strangers to know what one is thinking? What would make me think that what I said would have meaning beyond my own life? I've decided, however, that the thoughts ARE mine, but that I would welcome the thoughts of others in order to expand my own world.

Last night, a friend and I went to see Evan Almigty. Now, I do not particularly care for Jim Carey as an actor, but there were things in Bruce Almighty that I used in some of my teaching, so I thought I'd give this a try. (Of course the trailers with all the animals intrigued me!) Being of a certain age, I couldn't help but think of Bill Cosby's standup on building an ark ("What's a cubit?). The movie was hilarious - we laughed from beginning to end - perhaps we were just ready for a good laugh - there's been stress to share lately! I couldn't help thinking, though, as Evan works his way from sarcasm through fear and confusion to faith and following that his is a common story as God pursues all of us out of love. Francis Thompson's Hound of Heaven, still rings true: "I fled him down the nights and down the days. I fled him down the labyrinthe ways of my own mind...." God pursues, we run, we evade and avoid, but when we stop and turn and dance with the almighty we can change the world because God's love has changed us.