Thinking out loud in my head

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now that I can't sort them out.

• I am thrilled not to have to go to work in what was a death-dealing environment..


• I am depressed at not having a job and not knowing what to do next - and how I'm going to manage.


• I am so sad at not being able to work with some extraordinarily wonderful people. I am missing the "network"of like minds that supported each other in that aforementioned environment.

So much for "I" - what about the "Thou"? God is good and he closes doors and opens windows - or other doors. I believe that, but living it out is most difficult. This is certainly a time to get my head and heart straight. I'll certainly have more time for prayer - will I use it?


I have been besieged with a procrastination issue for almost all of my adult life. I do think that it is part of the "one-ness" of my Enneagram status- I hesitate to start something that I can't do perfectly.


But God sanctifies my imperfection and graces me with blessings galore. This loving God takes me as I am and loves me anyway. I guess I should attempt no less. Sigue adelante! Full steam ahead with God and friends beside and in front of me and behind me.

A New Dawn or the End of My World

I seem to keep getting "stuck" in my life.

I have been struggling with my job, my ministry, for more than a year. Just the week before last, after a particularly trying exchange, I went into the chapel, sat quietly in front of the Tabernacle and then just screamed out, in my mind, but it was a SCREAM, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

As luck (?) would have it, the good and gracious God heard my prayer, and I was let go from my job along with 18 others.

It truly was like getting hit by a truck, and my stomach has yet to come around to doing what it should do in normal situations.

So, what does this mean for me? I have been in a work situation since February of 2006 that has caused me to doubt myself, my gifts, my vocation, my mission. At my advanced age, this has been destructive, and it feels like returning to adolescence where my identity was not yet fully created. Now, the identity I've cultivated over the years of adulthood and the fringe years of seniorhood, is being challenged.

Good friends are praying for me and supporting me - yet, they have their own lives, and I know that that is where they must place their energies. Yet, I am so grateful for those friendships and networks; for people who are willing to go out of their way and change their lives, if need be, to accommodate me for a brief period of time if homelessness becomes a reality.

So, before I head out for a walking prayer, I pause to consider the gift of friendship, that agape that mirrors the unconditional love God has for all of us.